Have you finally orgasmed yet?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she looked like the before picture.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
