The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize