I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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