The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
