we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
