she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Randomize
