you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
