Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
