I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
