We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize