my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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