It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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