There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
