I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
