if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
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