so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
