Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
