i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize