when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
