Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
