Got a toothbrush?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
