I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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