Pregnant stripper...not hot.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
