My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
