There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize