Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
