I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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