I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
