apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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