Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
