I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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