How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
