you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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