I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
