I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
