It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
When are your genitals available?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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