i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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