Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
