listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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