Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
