Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
