i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize