You just made me feel so damn special
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
