I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
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