Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
