i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
