we have officially lost it.
I didn't shave. On purpose
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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