"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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