So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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