If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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