my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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