he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
