Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
