I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
