Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
